# Did I Say the Wrong Thing?

May 5, 2025 by Dave Cooke 7 Comments

You just found out your child is addicted to drugs or alcohol or both. Wow. No parent ever expects to receive news like this. Whether you discovered it yourself or someone told you, it’s always a shock.

Once you regain your balance, you immediately fire a million questions at your addicted child. You want to know why this happened, how it happened, and who did this to your child? As a parent, you want addiction to make sense. There must be a logical reason for it, right?

Wrong. Addiction is a complicated issue. It changes the brain of your child in illogical ways. Don’t expect addiction to make sense. It doesn’t.

This becomes very clear when your child attempts to answer your questions. It’s as if your child is suddenly speaking in a foreign language. It sounds like nonsense to you, and it probably is. But it makes perfect sense to your child.

When parents try to rationalize addiction they jump to the wrong conclusion by turning it into their issue. They begin to think the addiction must be their fault. They failed in some way as parents. Somehow, someway, they said the wrong thing. Or they made a mistake. I mean, addiction only happens in the families of bad parents, right?

Wrong. Your child’s addiction is not a reflection on your parenting skills. You can’t stop your child from abusing drugs or alcohol. Addiction happens in good families, as well as dysfunctional families. It’s an equal opportunity nightmare.

The best way to help your addicted child is to remove yourself from the addiction equation. This isn’t your problem. You didn’t create it, and it has nothing to do with you as a parent.

This is your child’s problem. Your child made the decision to become addicted to chemicals.
Loosen your grip and drop this addiction back into your child’s lap. That’s where it belongs.

When you release ownership of the addiction, you’re free to focus on what’s important: finding professional help for your child. Now you can move forward from a place of strength and do what needs to be done for your family.

********

Is your child addicted to drugs or alcohol? Is your family trapped on the emotional rollercoaster of addiction? Dave Cooke is an Addiction Coach and an internationally recognized speaker. Let him show you how to create an action plan that will move you, your family, and your addicted child back on track in a healthier direction. Contact Dave today for private coaching or book him to speak at your church, parent’s group, business organization, or neighborhood association. Go to http://www.100pedals.com/speaker-dave-cooke/ for more information or email dave@100Pedals.com.

Are you on Dave’s email list? If you’d like to receive his monthly newsletter for the parents of addicted children and weekly blog post notifications, email dave@100pedals.com

#### Programs for the Loved Ones of those Battling Addictions

##### Are you looking to better understand the struggles of addiction in the family?

##### Are you looking for powerful insights into dealing with the issues of addiction that are permeating all aspects of society?

Dave Cooke has the answers to your questions and concerns, and he is hungry to share them with you.
In fact, it is his life’s mission. Dave Cooke is the father of a son addicted to heroin. Like you, he suddenly found himself thrust into a state of confusion, heartache, and despair. And like all parents of addicts, he scrambled to find solid ground when addiction turned his world upside down.
In the process, he has developed several presentations for family members and concerned communities to learn more about the issue of addiction in our society. An internationally recognized speaker, Dave’s biblically driven presentations inspire with energy, commitment, and real solutions for troubled parents and a concerned community. “Thought-provoking” and “powerful” are just two of the descriptions his audiences often apply to his talks. Book Dave for your next event!

### Comments

1. Bethany Plaza says

   May 5, 2025 at 7:28 am

   Good post. I needed this reminder today…”This is your child’s problem. Your child made the decision to become addicted to chemicals. Loosen your grip and drop this addiction back into your child’s lap. That’s where it belongs.” and “it’s an equal opportunity nightmare” — that does ease the guilt a bit…

   Reply

   - Dave Cooke says

     May 5, 2025 at 7:34 am

     Thank you for the comments. I am sorry that you are on this journey. Three emotions that we often battle the most are fear, guilt, and shame. I encourage you to let go of the guilt. Whatever it was that brought them into the world of addiction was a byproduct of their choices. It was not your doing. We think or would like to tell ourselves we could have done “a better job” or “should have known better.” That is assigning way too much responsibility. Let go of the guilt.

     Reply

2. Frances Miller says

   May 5, 2025 at 8:11 am

   I agree it is not our fault and we cannot be the ones to fix or change anything but I do not agree that our children made a choice to become an addict. They made a choice to try a substance, drugs or alcohol, but addiction is not a choice. There are many factors that contribute to addiction, trauma, environment, etc. but the one factor that cannot be controlled is genetics. Don’t get me wrong, a person is still held accountable for their actions. If a person is genetically predisposed to diseases such as heart disease or diabetes or cancer, then they can take steps to prevent the severity of those conditions but are still not guaranteed to be disease free. The same can be said for substance abuse. That is why education of both ourselves, or family and friends and the public is imperative to the success of treatment.

   Reply

   - Dave Cooke says

     May 5, 2025 at 12:12 pm

     Frances, thanks for your comments. I agree. Our children do not choose to become addicted to their drug. It is their choice to use that created an opportunity for them to become addicted. Either way, we are not responsible for their current situation. It is their journey and it is their responsibility to work through it.

     Reply

3. Linda says

   May 5, 2025 at 11:42 am

   We just had this discussion again this morning. I DO feel like we did do something wrong, but I can’t think of anything we did. I’m so tired of people telling me that a child cannot be addicted to marijuana. Maybe that’s true, but I see the same old behavior once she starts using again. I can’t help but think she has a hole in her heart that is causing this and it’s our fault. Ugh.

   Reply

   - Dave Cooke says

     May 5, 2025 at 12:09 pm

     Thanks for your comments. As parents, it is hard not to feel some sense of responsibility for our child’s choices. In reality, they make their choices for a variety of reasons and most of it, if not all of it, was and is beyond your control. Take the pressure off blaming yourself and focus on your love for her and your commitment to being a strong, loving, educated parent as she goes through her journey. Peace!

     Reply

     - Linda says

       May 7, 2025 at 1:24 pm

       Thanks…you are a kind and inspirational person

       Reply

### Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment

Name *

Email *

Website

Notify me of follow-up comments by email.

Notify me of new posts by email.