100 Pedals

Recovery for Parents Dealing with Addiction in their Families

## More thoughts on “Change”

November 10, 2025 by Dave Cooke Leave a Comment

> This article is fantastic! Every single one of us needs to read this and be reminded of what the heck we are doing over and over and over again. Three sentences really stood out for me, more so than the others, however, the entire article was just so perfect…so right. The three sentences?

> ‘The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.’

> ‘If we protect them, make exceptions for them, shield them from outcomes they need to learn from – how can we possible expect them to change or alter their behaviors? If they know there are no consequences, only the threat of one, they will not be responsible for changing anything.’ ~ Thoughts from a mom after reading last week’s blog (yes, I could have left out the “this article is fantastic” part; but, I thought this article was one of my better contributions and I really desired to celebrate the affirmation.)

Changing how way we respond to our children’s behaviors can be scary. There are risks associated with the ultimate outcomes of our decisions. There were times I was terrified about my options. I would contemplate the possible outcomes of my actions and they would scare me, almost to the point where I was afraid to make a decision. Some of the scenarios, and the ones I fixated on most were the worst of outcomes. Rarely did I envision the impact of that conversation leading to a positive result. I was only obsessed with the worst possible outcomes - death, homelessness, jail, prison, or a plunge off the deep end and lost to me forever.

It took me a long, long time to realize I was actually putting limitations on myself and on my son whenever I thought and reacted that way. He was never going to make a different choice about his addiction unless he was forced to look at his situation in a different manner. The only way he would even explore the possibility of changing his behaviors was when something forced him to. Once forced into a different situation in his life only then would he have to decide how he was going to respond to the change.

This does not guarantee or insure he is going to make the decision I would desire him to make. But, that is not why I am taking action in the first place. I am presenting him with a call to action of change, on my terms and on my conditions and by my rules for living an authentic, responsible life. I am actually empowering him to make a choice, his choices, about his addiction. Whatever he decides to do is up to him - it is his choice, his decision, and his responsibility. His choices are not my choices and what he decides is because he made the decisions he did, they are not mine nor am I responsible for them.

Until we assign responsibility to our children for their choices, including their addiction related choices, they will NEVER learn to make a decision, to understand the consequences of their decision, and go through the intellectual process of evaluating the potential outcomes of their decisions. We cannot protect our children from their choices and then expect them to learn and understand how to make good choices.

This is one of the harshest, most difficult realities for parents - letting their children make seemingly stupid decisions. Unfortunately, in the world of addiction and life, this is what we must let our children go and do. May you find the courage and the wisdom to take the action you know you need to. Peace!

> 100Pedals recently released two FREE programs for parents. (1) “Addiction and the Family: Four Guidelines to Embrace” is an audio progam that provides parents perspective for dealing with addiction in the family. To obtain your digital download click here. (2) “Addiction Conversation” a weekly podcast where Dave Cooke interviews parents, those in recovery, counselors, and legal experts to provide their perspectives from their experiences with addiction. To listen to an individual session click here or to download the podcast to I-Tunes click here.

Filed Under: Embrace Responsibility, The Four Wheels of Personal Leadership, Uncategorized Tagged With: addiction, addiction and parenting, change, drug abuse in the family, drug addiction and hope, drug addiction and love, drug addiction and parenting, drug addiction in the family, making change, parenting and love, parenting and responsibility, recovery, recovery and parenting

## The story I am living and telling

July 21, 2025 by Dave Cooke Leave a Comment

> “Some chapters just have to close without closure. You can’t lose yourself by trying to fix what’s meant to stay broken.” ~ Trent Shelton

Between this quote and the picture, I may seem that today’s blog is officially Trent Shelton day. It just may be. When someone shares a series of concepts that precisely reflects a philosophy I embrace, why not passionately share it?

When I was planning today’s post, I wanted to share my perspective on the story we tell and the way it is reflected in how we live our lives. As the parent of a child battling an addiction, my story could be about his struggle and my journey with him in his struggle.

While the story of his addiction is very much a significant component of my life, it is not my life and it does not define how I live it. I would love for my son to find a path to his recovery. I pray for him to find happiness, peace, and joy in a life free from his addiction. My hope for him every single day is that he moves closer to a path of purpose and clarity in celebrating and sharing the gifts, talents, and skills he has blessed with. Because of my unconditional love for him, his story is a significant chapter in my life and my story.

That is where my story with my son ends and the complete story of my life begins. For I am a dad to two other children, a husband to a wife who cares for me more than I deserve, and an awesome circle of marvelous, gifted friends; plus, I have been blessed with a unique set of my own skills, talents, and abilities that others are looking for me to offer every single day.

My life cannot be put on hold by my son’s addiction. It is not appropriate, fair, or responsible. He is living, making, and defining his choices. They are his decisions. They are going to made with or without me. Many times I do like, enjoy, celebrate, or appreciate them. Often they hurt, confuse, frustrate, and pain me. Yet, this is the path he has taken and there is nothing I can do to alter it. My gifts of unconditional love, eternal hope, and the offer of my wisdom and encouragement are the most I can deliver. That is a great deal and it is going to have to be enough. Anything more, impacts my life in adversarial ways and creates a detour on my path to living, loving, and celebrating what I have been called to do.

Every day I wake up I am presented with an amazing opportunity to live, celebrate, and enjoy the gifts in your life. This is my story. The story will be told about my life is how I lived, grew, succeeded, loved, and celebrated my life despite the chaos and adversity around me. Those that come into my life have the opportunity to choose how their story is being lived and told. It is their story, not mine. I am very careful not to lose sight of that fact or my story ends up getting lost in someone else’s life story. It is better to celebrate and enjoy my life to the best of my ability. I cannot chose how someone’s story is told, lived, shared, celebrated, or completed. All I have is the life I have been given, the gifts I been blessed with, and the calling to share those gifts in love to others. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Filed Under: Addiction, Giving Love, Lessons In Addiction, Live With Passion, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: 100Pedals, addiction, addiction and parenting, commitment, hope, hope and parenting, love, parenting, passion, recovery, recovery and parenting, the story of our life, trent shelton

## The Gift of Love and Understanding

June 27, 2025 by Dave Cooke Leave a Comment

This past spring I completed a 7700 mile journey across the United States. My trip, officially known as the 100Pedals Drive N Bike, took me through 20 states and 16 cities where I made eighteen presentations on my experiences and perspectives as a dad dealing with a son’s heroin addiction.

My audiences ranged from treatment facilities, recovery groups, parents support groups, and local municipal government events. I presented to over 500 people on my trip and was truly blessed by the experience.

Recently, I reflected on this trip and my experiences in New Jersey/NYC. The lessons and insights apply to us all. Click this link to view this article. Have a great day!!

Filed Under: 2014 Drive N Bike, Uncategorized Tagged With: 100Pedals, addiction, addiction recovery, addiction treatment, heroin recovery, hope, inspiration, New Jersey, parenting, parenting and addiction, recovery, recovery and hope, recovery and parenting

## The Strong Parent

June 18, 2025 by Dave Cooke 4 Comments

If we allow our child’s addiction to destroy our lives, we will have nothing to offer them when they need us most, and we will have failed them as parents. We must be strong for ourselves first and find strength, hope, clarity, and opportunity in following that path.

Filed Under: Lessons In Addiction, Live With Passion, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized, Video lessons Tagged With: addiction, hope and addiction, hope and parenting, parenting, parenting and addiction, parenting and recovery, recovery and hope, recovery and parenting

## A Parent’s Perspective on Empowerment and Recovery

June 11, 2025 by Dave Cooke Leave a Comment

> My child was in a sober living house for nearly six weeks, following a thirty-day stint at a recovery center. Unfortunately, my child relapsed this past week. I would love to them get back into their sober living home, though I not sure of the process or time involved to make this happen. I worry about them losing their job, as well. (I had called their work and told them they were in the hospital and that work would get a call when they were feeling better.) I am not sure what the next step is. I have been told I may need to stay out this let them figure it out for themselves, but am afraid they won’t be able to. Looking for any helpful advice here.

I am always sorry to hear about a child’s relapse. Unfortunately, relapse is a frustrating, painful and confusing part of the process.

The last part of this note is what captured my attention. The past few posts, I have talked about controlling what we can control and detachment. The comments from this parent reminds me of the importance of understanding, embracing and engaging in these behaviors.

The sooner our addicted child learns how to figure things out and be responsible for the outcomes and future actions relating to their choices, the more prepared they will be to manage their recovery. This is a difficult process for all parents, as it was for me, and we all become really good at managing their recovery; but, at some point in time all parents realize their addicted child has to figure out how to manage these things for themselves.

The sooner we let our children learn to manage their messes, the sooner they will realize how chaotic and disruptive their actions and choices are. Continuing to manage their recovery or post-relapse garbage, frees them from experiencing how destructive they are.

There was a time when I managed the entire recovery, post-relapse, addiction related garbage for my son. I did everything - until I didn’t. I was not aware of the impact of those actions — on me and my son — until I stopped. It did not result in an immediate shift to the desired outcomes — i.e. permanent recovery — but it did alter how I lived my life in response to his choices and defined when he became more responsible for his recovery or lack of it.

Your child cannot do for themselves, what you are doing for them. Doing for them protects them, but it does not teach them. Even though addiction is a screwed up, confusing, and painful mess - it is your child’s addiction, not yours. Let them manage it and decide how they want to recovery from it. Until you stop manage their recovery for them, they will never manage it for themselves.

Author’s note: I have been living with my son’s addiction for six years. When I became responsible for my personal recovery, not my my son’s, is when my entire life changed in an incredible way. It is my mission to educate, coach, and inspire other parents to celebrate and live their life despite the chaos of addiction that surrounds them. I am here to help - please, contact me if you would like to learn more.

Filed Under: Addiction, Giving Love, Lessons In Addiction, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: addiction, empowerment and addiction, empowerment and recovery, lessons in addiction, parenting, parenting and addiction, recovery and parenting