I have had enough

Lately, I have been doing a lot of reading. My book list ranges from insightful, inspirational to those that are jarring reminders of the physical, emotional and psychological components of addiction. I need to read more inspiring books. It has been four hard, painful, sometime rewarding years. I have been on one very long, massive, challenging journey. I have had enough reality for a while.

I have finally reached my limit. I have embraced, accepted and welcomed responsibility for helping, guiding, inspiring and supporting others as they deal with this incredibly frustrating, confusing, and painful experiences of addiction in their lives. I am incredibly grateful for the transformations that have taken place in my life as a result of these commitments and have often found a positive, productive solution for my life in the face of this ongoing adversity, until now. I have had enough.

As I was reading the controversial novel, “A Million Little Pieces” by James Frey, I came to the realization that I am more angry, frustrated, disappointed than I was aware of. I have listened to the stories of other parents, read books and articles that provide additional insight and perspective, and continue to watch my son deal with the choices and challenges of his addiction. With each story, word or event, I feel the pain, frustration, hopelessness, helplessness and disappointment. It has been building and building. I have had enough.

I have had enough with this experience. I don’t want it anymore. I want it to go away and I do not want to deal with it. I know far more than I ever intended or desired. I feel far too much sadness. I see far too much suffering. I cannot even walk down the street without being cognizant of the pain in the faces of those who are lost. I want so much for the paths in these lives to change and know I am helpless to assist them unless and until they change their mind. I have had enough.

Addiction is a shitty, painful, dark, desolate place from which to find hope and change. It is a hole that few know how to climb out of and there is not enough love, wisdom, inspiration, knowledge, energy, and faith in my system to change it. I have had enough. No more pain. No more disappointment. No more lies, failures, falling down, and deception. I have had enough.

My heart is broken, my head hurts, my soul is dark, and my body is beat up. I hear deep songs and moving melodies with incredible, powerful lyrics and I think about my son and his passion for music. I go on these incredible, inspiring adventures and trips wishing my son was with me to share them. When I see him all I see is the face of the lost and I lose hope. I have had enough. I am committed that there is solution for every problem. I believe we all have the ability to change the course of our lives. It starts by recognizing what is blocking our path and make a commitment to remove or go around the obstacle to realize our outcomes. I am committed to sharing my story, inspiring others while finding my way through my own adversities. Though I will keep on moving — there is no other option — I have had enough.

The hole in my heart and the pain that I feel for my son and for those who are suffering as I am simply does not go away. For the first time in the whole range of this experience, I realize that there is limit to how much I can celebrate or enjoy or appreciate as long as my son is in the place he is. When it comes to my son, there will always be a dark place in my soul, something missing or incomplete in my life, and a void that cannot be filled. It hurts that much. I have had enough.

“Give” is a great four letter word!

“Nothing is of more value than the people you connect with — the lesson, the experience, and the gift of that interaction is more impactful than the event itself.”

Hanging out with my Albuquerque buddies!

As I embarked and reflected on my recent twenty-two day driving and cycling adventure to the Pacific Northwest and back, one of the keys to the success of this trips was friends. I was introduced to new friends by old ones, I reconnected with old friends, and continued to expand and grow the list of people who I would call my friend. While I spent over five hundred hours away from home, much of it in the quiet solitude of my car or on my bike, I was never really felt alone. It felt like everywhere I went I was blessed with the opportunity to enjoy the gift of a personal relationship — new or old.

We spend far too much time focused on the pace, productivity, and outcomes of our physical dreams. As we chase our career path, improve our financial situation, raise our children and manage all those activities, it seems there is little left for sharing our time, our energy, and our gifts with others - especially strangers in need.

If you are looking at the act of being or becoming a friend as work, time, energy, and effort you probably benefit from adjusting your perspective. What is the cost of a smile, a cup of coffee, a kind word, a receptive or supportive ear, or an encouraging thought? You appreciate that gift from others, try paying it back even when it isn’t easy or convenient.

At my talk in Portland, one of the attendees asked me, “What do you do when you are giving love and the person isn’t giving it back?” My immediate response was, “Stop keeping score!”

We are busy. We all feel pressed for time and have so little to spare. Some times it may seem like everyone wants a piece of you — energy, inspiration, or advice. It can be very challenging to stop and give, especially when you are rushing through your busy day.

My advice to you is simple:

  • Be nice to a stranger today — a smile, a handshake, a compliment, a wave.
  • Take a moment to listen to someone who asks you “do you have a minute?” — give them ten and hear what they have to say.
  • Offer the gift of your energy, your experience, and your wisdom to an individual who asks for your help.
  • Celebrate every opportunity you have to be a light to someone else — it affirms who you are and what you offer the world.

“Every day that I don’t share my gifts, talents, experience, and perspectives is a day I may not be available to offer someone else exactly what they looking for. Because they are gifts, I do not have the right to withhold them.”

People come into our lives in a wide variety of ways and for many unknown reasons. They can become friends, acquaintances, trusted advisers, or more. Many add value, energy, and joy to our lives in ways that are not always predictable or foreseeable. I have been blessed with much more than I have given and am grateful to all who have shared their love, joy, and energy with me. Thank goodness no one was keeping score!

 

A Mother’s Gift!

Taylor Swift performing at Harvey Mudd College in Fall ’12

Several months ago I watched a concert featuring Taylor Swift performing on a college campus (HarveyMudd). This school of 800+ students won a contest to have Taylor Swift perform an on-campus concert before the student body. Considering HarveyMudd was such a small school, I found it pretty impressive they won this contest. I was extra proud of their accomplishment because oldest son is a ’02 graduate.

Taylor shared some amazing stories about her song writing, the inspirational background of some of her songs, and how passionate she was about her music at a very early age. Listening to the songs with the added insight behind them made them even more enjoyable. For such a young person, I found her commitment to writing and singing music extremely impressive and inspiring.

The story that resonated most with me was when she shared conversations she had with her mom as Taylor started dreaming about her career. The conversations went something like this…

Taylor: “Mom, do you think I will ever be able to make an album?”

Tayler’s mom: “I don’t know dear.”

Taylor: “Mom, do you think I will be able to be a music star?”

Taylor’s mom: “I don’t know dear.”

While I do not remember exactly the questions that Taylor asked her mom, the answers her mom offered were what really resonated with me and caught my attention — “I don’t know dear.”

Taylor’s mom offered the most powerful, inspiring, and wonderful gift to her daughter in those answers.

“I don’t know dear.” There is nothing in those answers that says “yes” or “no.” There is nothing in that response that discourages or encourages the dream. There is nothing in those answers that says it is possible or not possible. Simply, “I don’t know dear.”

What her mom gave her was the opportunity in perseverance, in adventure, in discovery, in pursuit of the answer — “I don’t know.” You will have to find out for yourself and see what happens.

Dreams are very fragile ideas in the earliest stages of development. How they are supported, encouraged, discouraged, affirmed, or denigrated determines a great deal about their survival. The best intention of parents, friends, fans, and advisers can inadvertently destroy a dream by how they engage. Far too many times a dream falls to the wayside because it gets lost in the process of too much or too little interest, influence or involvement.

“I don’t know.” Keep playing your music and see what happens. Beautiful. The adventure and dream are alive!

We could all learn a great lesson from this approach. Instead of trying to clearly define where the dream will take us while engaging others to helping us determine its potential, all we really need to do is allow our energy and our passion to create the path and see where it goes. Action is progress and progress leads to an outcome. That ought to be enough.

Instead of trying to define what the outcome will be to decide if it is worthwhile, valuable, or amazing, embrace the unknown and let your commitment and your passion lead the way. “I don’t know!” It is a work in progress and we will find out when we get there.

Day 23: Summer 2013 Drive N Bike — HOME!

After twenty-three days, four-thousand four-hundred forty-three driving miles, nine states, fourteen cities, and four-hundred thirty-four bike miles I am back home. I had an amazing trip — inspiring, fun, peaceful, soulful, and enjoyable.

In recognition of my fourteen city tour, here are the fourteen things I learned or am reflecting on from this year’s trip:

  1. Friendships: Nothing is more valuable than the friends you make in your life. Many of the nights I was not in a hotel were the result of friendships I have been blessed with including two friends I haven’t seen in ten and and thirty-three years.
  2. Family: I stayed with three families on this trip. The love and energy they shared in their family and with others was impressive. The family has dynamic has the potential, by nature, to be dysfunctional. When grounded in selfless, unconditional love dysfunction struggles to find an audience.
  3. Adventure: I met so many people who had amazing stories about the adventures they pursued in their lives. These individuals were blessed with the gift of stories that were a testament to what happens when a dream is present and fear is not.
  4. Solitude: I had plenty of windshield time and quiet cycling time. Being off the grid was relaxing and peaceful. It provided me the time to think clearly. We all need to make more time for it!
  5. Hills: I learned that I ride in relatively flat Phoenix. Even the hills I ride are nothing like some of the everyday climbs others tackle around the country. Note to self, more hills and intervals on them.
  6. Cooperation: I know Phoenix was rated a bike friendly town. That is more because of the preponderance of bike routes. It is NOT because the drivers respect cyclists right to the road. Every city I road in had more courteous, polite, and aware drivers. Phoenix has a long way to go.
  7. Resources: I rode on five river routes in various cities. They are convenient, safe, responsible, and scenic. Congrats to Sacramento, Portland, Kennewick, Boise, and Albuquerque for your commitment to utilization of this natural resource.
  8. Attitude: Life gives us our challenges. It is unavoidable. Regardless, your attitude says a great deal about your character and potential in managing it. Smile and say “hi” or “good morning” to the people you bump into every day — it will change your attitude and help them with theirs.
  9. Beauty: There is so much to see and celebrate in every single city in our nation. Every one of them has citizens who are proud of their town. Find them out, encourage them to share what they love, and discover the amazing uniqueness of each and every one of them.
  10. Speed: I love riding alone. I find it peaceful and enjoyable. There was something quite special and challenging riding in groups of talented, passionate cyclists especially on a massive descent like the one I experienced on the Air Force Academy route. I need to ride in a group a little more often — it is very social, very challenging, and very fast!
  11. Risk: Embrace risk and the opportunity to do things you have never done. I learned a lot about myself on this trip — I am not quite as adventurous as I thought. I found myself in places that I not planned for and realized how uncomfortable I was. I also realized that my discomfort stemmed more from my fear of what I could not control, not the adventure of the situation. I am challenging myself to allow myself to embrace more uncertainty.
  12. Fear: You cannot do anything special if you are afraid. It is an extension of risk. Operate in the bubble of comfortable and you will make safe, incremental progress toward the known. Operate outside the comforts of safe and you will discover what you never knew or believed possible. For that to happen, the emotion of fear cannot define your decisions.
  13. Love: Love is not an behavior it is an emotion. Love is unconditional and is a gift. It is not a gift for you to give, it is a gift that has been given to you, therefore it is yours to share freely, not selectively. The more freely I live in a state of love for all, the more others are drawn towards me to share theirs. Love makes the world go ’round — selflessly share it and you will be amazed at the results.
  14. Gratitude: I am grateful for the opportunity to make this trip. I am grateful I had the physical and emotional resource to make this journey. While I look forward to the next one, I am incredible humbled, honored, and thankful that I had the ability to celebrate this journey. It was an amazing gift!!

Day 21/22: Summer 2013 Drive N Bike — Albuquerque

“If you step off the grid and simply stand still you will eventually bump into somebody with a gift or a story to share.”

Albuquerque is the final leg of this year’s trip. Last year, Albuquerque(ABQ) was the first stop on my journey. Unlike the one night stopover from last summer, I am hanging in ABQ for two nights.

I really enjoyed the road trip through southern Colorado and northern New Mexico. I was really taken by the area around the Raton Pass at the two states’ borders. It was very scenic, very green and unlike much of what I had seen on any other part of any other drive this year.

The trip to ABQ featured a little bit of everything:

  • quiet time at the Mauger Inn an awesome Bed & Breakfast that features great breakfasts, a very comfortable front porch for watching the world pass by or read a book, accessibility to old downtown and the river routes.
  • two great bike rides — one south along the Rio Grande and a northern loop that finished through the University of New Mexico campus and downtown.
  • enjoyable conversation and dinner with friends.
  • a very engaged and inspiring workshop with one of my favorite clients.

As I sat on the porch this morning thinking about my time in ABQ and the overall experiences of my entire journey, I was really enjoying the quiet to reflect and celebrate.

There are few things I have done in the past year that bring me as much joy and peace as the opportunity to explore the country, ride my bike with people who share the stories of their surroundings while we are pedaling, and the occasion to share my story and the inspiration of the gifts I have been given.

I shared the quote featured at the top of this article while engaged in an impromptu conversation with a fellow author and his significant other on the porch at breakfast. We were sharing our stories about the joys of life and the energy that comes from slowing down and discovering all we really have in our respective worlds.

Sometimes all we need to do is take a break, let the world come to us, and we will eventually bump into someone who has something to share with us that will inspire, energize, or educate us. The challenge in this activity is the willingness to step off the grid long enough to let that happen. Few of us take enough time to take a break and celebrate or enjoy the moments we have.

It only takes a moment. It only requires the courage and the curiosity to get off the grid. And, all you need to do is be open to receiving something unexpected and simple.

On this journey, I have celebrated something special, unexpected, and simple. It is the gift that makes the driving, the biking, the constant packing and unpacking, and the different beds all worth it.

You do not need three weeks to take a break from the grid — only interest to see what happens when you make yourself accessible to the world without expectations, tension, or judgement. Give it a try — you will be amazed!!

 

Day 19/20: Summer Drive N Bike — Colorado Springs

Aerial view of the loop around the Academy. Awesome ride!!

Nothing says “fail” more than not having my trusty GoPro Camera on my bike when I took the most scenic, picturesque, fun, and challenging bike ride of this trip. I would love to have a great excuse — I have a good reason — not good enough to justify my complete failure to have it with me.

I have downplayed some of the quirky events of my trip. I chose to ignore them because every journey has its unique little challenges. This one was no different. This time it seemed the gremlins worked overtime on Monday.

Here is what transpired on my journey from Laramie into Colorado Springs.

It all began when I unthinkingly opened a slightly suspicious email. Upon opening it, I triggered a mass SPAM emailing to all 2300+ contacts in my Google database. For the next several hours I was hammered with emails and text messages asking me about the suspicious validity of this mailing.

As I pulled into Colorado Springs, my phone completely — and I mean completely — crashed, shut down, died. Left with only the address to the bike shop to get my bike fixed, I somehow found it — thanks to an exit for the road the shop was on. Unable to call anyone or look anything up, I had the bike shop print directions to the friend’s house where I was planning on visiting;

When I arrived at the house, no one was home. Unable to call and find out when they would be home, I tried to fire up my computer and at least get an email to them and look for a phone dealer to help me with my dead phone.

It was then I remembered that I had lost my remote wi-fi card in Portland. It had not been much of an issue because every hotel had free wi-fi and I had an alive smart-phone. Now, I had nothing to call or connect with. I was in the dark and off the grid.

I drove around town, blindly, for the next three hours looking for a Starbucks, a phone dealer, or a Best Buy. I found none. I finally limped back to my friend’s house and he was just pulling into the driveway. I was found and saved.

I had exactly 20 minutes to snack, change, and leave for my schedule bike ride with a young cycling association known as the FrontRangers. In my haste to leave, I left the GoPro in my bag when I quickly unpacked. And that, is my story.

Once life settled down, I enjoyed a spectacular ride with these young men and some parents around the Air Force Academy. Words cannot describe how cool the ride was. There was something extra special taking a slow jaunt around these special grounds — nothing like the experiences of driving it.

I am grateful to have had the opportunity to meet and ride with these young men. They have some great energy and a wonderful passion for cycling. I also shared a little of the 100Pedals message with them afterward and was honored at having that opportunity.

Sometimes things do not go smooth or easy or as planned. Sometimes we miss things, leave things behind, or fail to get something done that was on the list. None of it matters when you make the most of what you have, when you have it, and let that be enough to bring you through the day.

I had a stressful day that ended as all others have on this trip — with a very inspiring and enjoyable experience!!

Day 18: Summer Drive N Bike — Laramie, WY

Today was a very emotional day. The stretch of highway that I was on today — I-80 from Salt Lake City to Laramie, WY — was a significant part of someone else’s journey four years ago. As I entered Salt Lake City on Friday and prepared to leave town today, I was all too aware of the significance of this 300 mile road.

Five years ago my son, Brandon, drove from Detroit to San Francisco to start school. It was a monumental step in his life. He struggled for a few years about what he was going to do after high school. One day he called to share that he had decided to go to a music production school in San Francisco. The plan was to move out there and live with his older brother in Berkeley.

I was really impressed with his decision and the actions he took to make this all come to reality. It seemed as though Brandon had finally found a path that suited his passions and he was beginning to take some very powerful, positive steps in that direction. On August 2008, Brandon packed up his car and drove to San Francisco.

I remember talking to him about his drive through Nebraska, Wyoming, and Utah. I wanted to hear about it because this drive was definitely on my wish list. It was so cool to listen to him share his impressions and stories of his experiences tooling west on I-80. I was so excited about the stories and the promising future he appeared to be creating for himself. I was also very pleased and proud of his choices.

One year later — June of 2009 — Brandon was driving returning to Detroit on that same route. He had left school, moved out of his brother’s apartment and was returning home to deal with his addiction issues. All of his effort to get into school and pursue his music related passion were now in the rear view mirror. This time he wasn’t heading toward a new beginning of a promising future, he was returning to Detroit to begin what has become an amazingly tragic and painful odyssey.

Here I am, four years later, driving that same stretch of highway. My memory was fresh with all the emotions, experiences and thoughts of his promising beginning and what has become a very sad story.

It was hard to celebrate my journey today. All I could think about was Brandon’s. How distant that promising opportunity seemed today. My heart aches for his choices, I hurt for the place he lives in today, and I cannot help but feel a sense of disappointment that he couldn’t fight through and finish what he started in San Francisco.

Despite this emotional setback, I continue to be on one amazing trip. The journeys in our lives are often filled with heavy doses of reality for us to work on, think through, and learn from. Today was my heavy dose of reality. I will always celebrate the gifts that are my children. I will always love them for who they are. And, I will always pray that they find happiness, peace, and joy in all that they do. I continue to pray extra hard that Brandon may someday be strong enough — physically and emotionally — to begin another incredible westbound I-80 adventure! I would be honored to share that adventure with him.

 

Day 17: Summer 2013 Drive N Bike — Salt Lake City

After nearly three and a half weeks on the road, I am finally posting my perspectives on the day I experienced it. I am caught up!!

This is one of many, many celebrated accomplishments in the day:

  • I completed my 100DayChallenge/Commitment to study the I-Ching for one hundred days. Though it took me 103 days, I think it is still worthy of a mini-celebration.
  • I finished one of the two books I brought with me to read even though was not sure how much reading time I would have. The book, “Positive Addiction” was inspiring, informative and thought provoking. Relative to the entire 100Pedals experience, it truly resonated with me, as well. (I also submitted a review on Goodreads if you would like to hear more.)
  • I experienced my first mechanical bike issue on this trip, or ever, and I still found a way to cautiously, nervously and determinedly to plod on. Fortunately, it is not going to keep me from riding, I do have to pay close attention to what gear I am as the derailleur needs a little tuning.
  • I finally have uploaded all my ride videos on YouTube.com/100Pedals.

Reading today’s I-Ching brought another quote that I love into view. The quote from the I-Ching reminded us of the wonderful lessons that are found in our adversities — “our conflicts and obstacles teach us the lessons we refuse to learn an easier way.” We go to great lengths to avoid dealing with certain components of our lives. In our avoidance, the lesson is taught under more trying circumstances and in a way that cannot be avoided any more.

Reading this quote reminded me of a quote that I picked up in the movie, “The International” — though I believe this is not the original source for the quote:

A man often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.”

This is heavy. How many times have we taken the path of least resistance? I know I go to great lengths to avoid hard climbs on my bike in Phoenix. On this trip, I realized how poorly I am conditioned for other parts of this hilly, mountainous world. Now, the lesson I am learning about the harder routes on my bike is making me wish I had done the training and developed the experience under my terms.

There are choices we face in our lives that are not easy, fun, desirable, or enjoyable. Instinctively we know this is our path. Rather than act on it now, we attempt to avoid the choice, the decision, or the action. Avoidance is not an escape, it is merely a delayed event.

After two plus weeks on the road, my head has never been more clear, more energized, and more prepared. I realize now all the obstacles that I have been working around, avoiding, escaping or delaying. Many of them are in front of my face and I am doing everything I can to avoid climbing those difficult hills.

Guess what? You can avoid your challenges, but you will not escape them. Learn your lessons on your terms when the choice is easier and the action yours to manage — you will have a much better experience to the outcome because you decided it was time.

Day 15/16: Summer Drive N Bike — Boise, ID

Thrilled to add another state visited to my list. I had never been to Idaho. Now I have. I was always curious what the blue turf at Boise State University’s football stadium looked like in person Now I know. I was always curious why so many people speak highly of Boise. I am not completely sure. It was a great visit. But, like most towns that grew into cities too fast, traffic stinks and not everyone is happy or warm. Enough of the travel report.

Yesterday featured another comfortable scenic ride along a river. I love these bike paths. I think it is very intelligent for cities to create a greenbelt for cyclists to commute to work and residents to go for a pleasant walk along the river. There were a lot of people walking, running, and cycling for their health. And, there were plenty of people using the path to get to their work destination. Awesome.

I took advantage of my free time in Boise to read, write, reflect, and relax. So much of my time on this trip has been rather hectic in a positive way. Even so, a little quiet time goes a long way after two very crazy, busy, social weeks.

I am currently reading, “Positive Addiction” by William Glasser. I started it yesterday and am already half way through it. While I don’t comfortably agree with everything he posits in his book, much of what he talks about relating to the transformative effect of positive addiction is very 100Pedals-esque. Positive addiction is finding that one activity that gives you energy and clarity and do it every day for an hour a day. An hour may seem like a lot. You may even not love doing it every day. But, the act of engaging in something to that level creates an addiction in your life that creates change, benefits you, and builds mental and physical strength.

When I think about the power of my initial 100Days, those rides became an obsession. They didn’t control my life; but, they did force me to define my priorities and make certain I got the rides in. With each ride I obtained more clarity, more energy, and a better sense of where I was going and what was missing in my life.

Most people believe they are too busy or have too many things to do that they cannot imagine committing an hour a day to one thing — every single day. The more I think about that, I think it is an excuse. We can do anything we decide we are going to do. I know there are things I desire to do that I simply haven’t tackled because they are too hard, too scary, too difficult, or simply too much to commit to.

Creating a positive addiction is that commitment to our lives to make and live a change. In order to make that change possible we need the physical and mental strength to do it. Think about it. I am confident that what scares you is the commitment, not the effort. Challenge yourself and embrace a positive addiction for 100Days. See where it takes you. Share your experiences with me. Let’s see what you learn on your journey.

 

Day 14: Summer Drive N Bike — Kennewick, WA

When I laid out this summer’s tour, one of my criteria was to avoid long drives. With that objective in mind, I focused on finding cities that were less than five hours drive apart — ideally less than four.

My stop in Kennewick, WA was a byproduct of that plan. I had no idea what was in Kennewick or what to expect. All I knew was that is was roughly half way between Seattle and Boise. Funny how minimalist planning can lead to some of the best outcomes.

On my 2012 Drive N Bike, I stopped in Effingham, IL for the same reason — it was midway between Lake of the Ozarks and Columbus, OH. On my little adventure last year I met Dick Reimers, owner of the bike shop Uphill Grind who took me on a marvelous morning bike ride through the outer regions of Effingham, IL. It was truly one of the highlights of my 2012 Drive N Bike. So much so that I am working on making another cycling trek through Effingham simply to celebrate another spin around town with my new friend.

Back to Kennewick. Call me geographically ignorant; but, I had no idea the Columbia River went through this tri-cities area. I could not have expected or predicted that there would be an easily, navigable bike path along the river. And, I could not have anticipated how pleasantly comfortable I was in this town. I simply picked a spot on the map and magic happened. Another of life’s many lessons on this trip.

Simple planning and taking action are often all that are needed to celebrate a great outcome. How many times do we sit down and map, plan, organize, anticipate, think, fret, worry, and adjust, tweak, amend our plans before we do something?

Why? Do we really expect that it will go perfectly, that we can anticipate every possible outcome, and that we can organize out any failings?

The reality of life is that no matter how much we map out our life, something is going to mess up our plans. By planning a little less and living on the edge a little more, we have a great opportunity to be pleasantly surprised.

If Effingham, IL and Kennewick, WA are any indicators of the power of simply putting a pin on the map and going for it — I am a big fan of minimizing organizational planning and simply taking the leap!! Try it — embrace the adventure and the experience!