If Love was only enough

June 30, 2025 by Leave a Comment

Please try to remember that if love was enough, all our children would be saved. Addiction is a powerful monster, so difficult to overcome. My prayer is for each of you to find strength through your journeys and for your sons and daughters to overcome…

This was the hardest lesson - that my love was not enough. As a parent, it is impossible to imagine that our love cannot guide or save our child from their addiction. Three years ago I came to that painful reality - there was not enough love in the world to save my son. He was going to do what he was going to do no matter how much I loved him.

That really hurt. It crushed me. It took me several months to get through that frustrating reality. I have so much to offer my son, but the one thing I have more than enough to give him was my love. It was and is not enough.

From that moment on, there are three things I make a commitment to in my life daily:

  1. I can only control what I can control. My son’s addiction is not one of those things. How I live and celebrate my life, how I take care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally, and how I give love, support, encouragement, and hope to others is within my control. That is where I focus my energy at the beginning of and all through every one of my days.
  2. I love my son unconditionally. I will always love my son. He is completely empowered to make his own choices - we all are. I cannot make those choices for him or even influence them anymore. He is free to choose what he chooses — he does not need to hear my opinion, criticism, admonishment, or judgement. If he asks for my advice, I offer it. I he asks for forgiveness, I give it. If he asks for my guidance, I am there for him. I cannot rescue, save, or enable him as he lives his life. Even when or if he wants to change his life, he must choose the path and follow it. I will be the first to cheer him on and coach him if he asks me. I can always and easily offer him is the gift of my unconditional love - it is a very powerful, reliable influence.
  3. I will never give up hope. Addiction takes over the mind and body in mysteriously powerful ways. It has a grip on a soul in a manner that is painful to watch. It destroys wonderful, talented, beautiful lives. Even though it has a grip on my son, I will never give up hope that he will embrace and maintain a path to recovery some day. Powerful, amazing, and unpredictable events occur in this world every single day. My son’s recovery can be one of those monumental events. I will always believe it is possible.

Love may not be enough to save my son. It is still a powerful weapon. I know my love for him is on his mind, even when he relapses. I will take that. Love and hope are the gifts we can always deliver and bring into our life daily. In the meantime, I focus my energies on being physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. These are the strengths I will need to guide others, possibly my son and including myself, through the challenges and adversities in life.

Filed Under: Addiction, Giving Love, Lessons In Addiction, Make A Commitment, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Gift of Love and Understanding

June 27, 2025 by Leave a Comment

This past spring I completed a 7700 mile journey across the United States. My trip, officially known as the 100Pedals Drive N Bike, took me through 20 states and 16 cities where I made eighteen presentations on my experiences and perspectives as a dad dealing with a son’s heroin addiction.

My audiences ranged from treatment facilities, recovery groups, parents support groups, and local municipal government events. I presented to over 500 people on my trip and was truly blessed by the experience.

Recently, I reflected on this trip and my experiences in New Jersey/NYC. The lessons and insights apply to us all. Click this link to view this article. Have a great day!!

Filed Under: 2014 Drive N Bike, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Jail and Love

June 23, 2025 by 10 Comments

My addicted child went to jail today. It’s such a shame. He had just gotten his life back together since he got out of jail three months ago. He appeared to be doing well, despite a couple of slips. He had a full time job, a girlfriend, a place to live, and a car. Everything was looking good until his stupid addiction got him again. This time he is going to be gone for around seven months to a year. I am hoping a year in jail brings him home sober and committed to recovery! The first time he was in jail, I visited him, put money into his account, and paid the phone bills so he could call me. The second time he was in jail I still visited him and paid for the phone calls, but I put no money into his account. This time, he will be lucky if I visit him at Christmas! It is hard for me to do that and not see or talk to him, but I think he needs it! He needs to figure this out on his own.

I have been there. My son has gone to jail a few times himself. Fortunately, he was never there more than 110 days andiIt was always in a county lock-up so the visits were local. I gave him very little money and limited how much money I would put into a phone fund.

Having a loved one in jail, especially for addiction related actions, is difficult. I was so angry at the stupidity of it all. I barely understand the actions of the addiction, so I become even more confounded when someone does something criminal related to their addiction. It seems and feels so avoidable. Then again, we are talking about addiction related behaviors, which are always impossible to explain or understand. Just the same, doing something that can and does land one in jail really, really antagonizes me.

The last time Brandon ended up in jail, I had the same thoughts and feelings this parent did. I wasn’t going to visit him no matter what. I hated going there. I hated the process and the experience. I resented the inconvenience and the reasons I was going there in the first place. If he is going to do something stupid and irresponsible enough to end up in jail, let him sit there and figure it out. I am not going.

Then I had a friend share an interesting perspective with me…

“You are not visiting your son for you, you are visiting him for him. You are not going there to show your support or approval for what he has done to end up in jail, you are going there to demonstrate and remind him that you love him no matter what.“

With that, my thinking completely shifted. Visiting him was letting him know that, know matter what, I love him. The first time I visited him in jail after that realization, the shock and surprise on his face said it all. He was convinced his dad wasn’t going to visit him. When I told him that I was here because I loved him and that I wanted to make sure he never forgot it, the rest of our conversation was awesome. I have no expectations that this visit will change the path to his recovery, for he has to define and find that for himself. However, the more my child knows the love that his parents have for him, the harder it is for him to embrace the hopelessness and despair of his situation. It is harder to give up on yourself when you know that there are people out there who love you and have not given up on your.

A child battling addiction makes a lot of stupid, painful mistakes. We don’t have to approve, enable, or support them. However, there is nothing more powerful than loving them and letting them know how strong and unconditional that love is - including visiting them in jail to demonstrate it. Going to visit a loved one is not easy, fun, convenient or enjoyable; but, it is probably, possibly the powerful way to demonstrate your love for them. A child dealing with addiction needs to know that more than anything!

Filed Under: Addiction, Giving Love, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Strong Parent

June 18, 2025 by 4 Comments

If we allow our child’s addiction to destroy our lives, we will have nothing to offer them when they need us most, and we will have failed them as parents. We must be strong for ourselves first and find strength, hope, clarity, and opportunity in following that path.

Filed Under: Lessons In Addiction, Live With Passion, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized, Video lessons Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

What are you working on?

June 16, 2025 by Leave a Comment

“Either you are working on your recovery or you are working on your relapse.”

Yes, I said this. I said it to my son. Frustrated by his commitment to self-manage a recovery program that lacks focus, hard work, and a high standard for continuous improvement and progress, I made the statement.

Someday he might understand there is more to recovery than merely the quest to be happy, to have a job, and to be clean. Don’t get me wrong. Those are awesome foundational objectives. They are a great place to start. But, the standard of care required to get there, stay there, and move forward from there is much higher than simply trying to exist there.

Life is about continuous improvement. It is about constantly striving to better yourself - learning, discovering, challenging, pushing, competing - doing something to continuously develop what you have been given and take it to newer heights, levels, and experiences.

There are times where the addicted mind is not all that different from the mind of others. There are a lot of people who are afraid, committed, determined to maintain the status quo of their existence. The prospect of change, improvement, risk and adventure is more than they can handle. Unfortunately, like many addicts, they get stuck in their life and find that it is empty and unfulfilled.

Watching my son take laps in this life of addiction and living the frustration of his being stuck is painful. Generally, I have become really good at removing myself from his life, unfortunately his recent relapse somehow has drawn me in and it really pisses me off.

This is that moment in time where I have to remind myself what I need to do to maintain a healthy separation from his addiction. Just like I shared with him, I am either focusing on my recovery or I am preparing for my relapse. I am not getting caught up in the drama, the bullshit, and the chaos of his choices. I have been there and I have worked far too hard to find harmony in my life free from his addictive garbage.

It is a difficult and unfortunate situation where parents have to learn to distance themselves from their child’s chaotic world. But, those that have learned to manage this effectively have discovered a life to be celebrated and have realized their child has to be empowered and responsible for their outcomes. We are not giving up, we do not stop loving, we are maintaining balance, focus, and strength by living the life we have been called to live. This is not a time for a personal relapse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Addiction, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Love more, then Judge less

June 12, 2025 by Leave a Comment

We can actually accelerate the process through meditation, through the ability to find stillness through loving actions, through compassion and sharing, through understanding the nature of the creative process in the universe and having a sense of connection to it. So, that’s conscious evolution. ~ Deepak Chopra

The challenges parents face in finding the resources through life’s adversities, like a child’s addiction, is that our society first wants to judge, condemn, criticize and blame before helping, loving and understanding. Answers, solutions and community building do not come from that place. Help, change, improvement, reconciliation comes from love, compassion and understanding.

 

Filed Under: Practice Humility, Uncategorized, Video lessons Tagged With: , , , , , ,

A Parent’s Perspective on Empowerment and Recovery

June 11, 2025 by Leave a Comment

My child was in a sober living house for nearly six weeks, following a thirty-day stint at a recovery center. Unfortunately, my child relapsed this past week. I would love to them get back into their sober living home, though I not sure of the process or time involved to make this happen. I worry about them losing their job, as well. (I had called their work and told them they were in the hospital and that work would get a call when they were feeling better.) I am not sure what the next step is. I have been told I may need to stay out this let them figure it out for themselves, but am afraid they won’t be able to. Looking for any helpful advice here.

I am always sorry to hear about a child’s relapse. Unfortunately, relapse is a frustrating, painful and confusing part of the process.

The last part of this note is what captured my attention. The past few posts, I have talked about controlling what we can control and detachment. The comments from this parent reminds me of the importance of understanding, embracing and engaging in these behaviors.

The sooner our addicted child learns how to figure things out and be responsible for the outcomes and future actions relating to their choices, the more prepared they will be to manage their recovery. This is a difficult process for all parents, as it was for me, and we all become really good at managing their recovery; but, at some point in time all parents realize their addicted child has to figure out how to manage these things for themselves.

The sooner we let our children learn to manage their messes, the sooner they will realize how chaotic and disruptive their actions and choices are. Continuing to manage their recovery or post-relapse garbage, frees them from experiencing how destructive they are.

There was a time when I managed the entire recovery, post-relapse, addiction related garbage for my son. I did everything - until I didn’t. I was not aware of the impact of those actions — on me and my son — until I stopped. It did not result in an immediate shift to the desired outcomes — i.e. permanent recovery — but it did alter how I lived my life in response to his choices and defined when he became more responsible for his recovery or lack of it.

Your child cannot do for themselves, what you are doing for them. Doing for them protects them, but it does not teach them. Even though addiction is a screwed up, confusing, and painful mess - it is your child’s addiction, not yours. Let them manage it and decide how they want to recovery from it. Until you stop manage their recovery for them, they will never manage it for themselves.

Author’s note: I have been living with my son’s addiction for six years. When I became responsible for my personal recovery, not my my son’s, is when my entire life changed in an incredible way. It is my mission to educate, coach, and inspire other parents to celebrate and live their life despite the chaos of addiction that surrounds them. I am here to help - please, contact me if you would like to learn more.

Filed Under: Addiction, Giving Love, Lessons In Addiction, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Detachment

June 10, 2025 by Leave a Comment

“How do we let go of our anxieties and fears? I suppose it’s a question of will power, deciding to let go and not let something control our every waking moment. Letting go and detachment, as well as equanimity are qualities that come to us from both the taoist discipline and the catholic. It takes a great burden off one’s shoulders when you turn over a matter to the Higher Power of the I Ching or to God of Catholicism. This is not to be interpreted as an abdication of one’s personal responsibilities in life. But it is an acceptance that there is what we can and are obligated to do out of moral duty, and what we cannot control or have any effect on.” ~ Mike Ferruggia

This video was developed following much recent discussion with parents over the practice of detachment, empowerment and finding peace in this process. This is a critical step in empowering our addicted loved one and in reclaiming our lives in the face of this challenging adversity.

Author’s note: Click here for a fascinating, in-depth read on detachment and compassion from the Buddhist perspective.

Filed Under: Addiction, Embrace Responsibility, Uncategorized, Video lessons Tagged With: , , , , ,

Finding peace by embracing what we control

June 9, 2025 by Leave a Comment

Yet another sleepless night wondering what my addicted child is doing and who they’re doing it with. I keep asking myself, are they safe? Hoping they’re not using, but pretty sure she they are. My heart is so heavy. I live thousands of miles away, in a different state. I am so scared of receiving that phone call that will change our lives forever. I am so sorry for all of the wonderful parents who are living this nightmare. We shouldn’t have to live in fear like this.

This house may be a wreck, but everything around it is beautiful, peaceful, and to be celebrated and enjoyed.

So true. A child with an addiction is a parent’s worst nightmare. Our children are fighting or living a life and death battle. The hurt and the helplessness associated with our inability to change the course in their lives is painful, frustrating, terrifying.

The situation hits us and hurts us the most when we finalize come to the realization we have no control over this situation. Our inability to fix the problem, take care of their situation, or make it go away is so painfully frustrating. We have always been able to take care of the situation for our children, until now.

We can do nothing to help them, stop them, control them, or change them - it is up to them. And, the outcome could be the worst situation possible for us as parents. The possibilities are frightening.

Acknowledging the reality of the situation is the first part of our battle. The real challenge comes with accepting it and getting on with our lives in spite of it. Accepting it provides is the opportunity to adjust our mindset and our lives to this new reality. This is where I have watched many parents struggle. Instead of adjusting their life in the face of this realization, they continue to fight to create a different outcome in the hopes they will be able to change the present situation in their child’s life.

We can only control that which is ours to control. And, our child’s addictive driven choices are not in our control. Your child is going to do what they are going to do regardless of where you are and what you do. You have no control or influence here. You will love them unconditionally and eternally hope for their recovery. Other than that, the rest is up to them.

What you can control is how you live, celebrate and enjoy the life you have. Find peace in the moment. Celebrate those opportunities to change, improve, and appreciate your life. Doing this accomplishes three things:

  1. It makes you stronger in the face of your adversity;
  2. It helps separate you physically and emotionally from the chaos in your child’s life;
  3. It provides an excellent example to anyone dealing with chaos, adversity, and change in their life, including your child.

The time to begin living your life, for what it is, is now! Find peace in a new beginning. Discover other ways to celebrate, enjoy and appreciate what you have, not what you have lost or fear you will lose. There is peace, joy, and happiness waiting for those who move forward. It takes time effort, energy, and a focused commitment to accomplish this. But, it is much better than living in a life stuck trying to change something that you cannot change or fix.

Celebrate the life you have, not the life you have lost and you will find happiness and peace!

Filed Under: 2014 Drive N Bike, Addiction, Lessons In Addiction, Managing Adversity, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,

An inspirational message of hope, love, and empowerment

June 3, 2025 by Leave a Comment

My travels on this year’s Drive N Bike Tour were quite special. There were few days where I wasn’t behind the wheel of my car, in front of an audience of parents dealing with their addiction related concerns or, a little of both. While it was my intent to get on my bicycle, the weather and my schedule put a limit on those dreams. All in all, it was a wonderful experience and a trip that changed many lives, including mine.

I have provided this link to my presentation at the Saline School Board Meeting Special Presentation: 100 Pedals. This was one of those rare moments where I was able to record my presentation and share it. I do not own this copy and it is a link to the file that Saline Schools shared on their site.

Please take time to listen to it. At least, give me thirty minutes, which is the actual time of my presentation. The rest of the segment is the Q&A component.

If you know of anyone in an organization looking for an inspirational, insightful, and passionate speaker to share their perspective on this subject — please have them contact me. I would be grateful!

Filed Under: 2014 Drive N Bike, Addiction, Behind the Dumpster, Lessons In Addiction, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,