Shift Your Focus

August 25, 2025 by 5 Comments

“Crying! So sad! Eleven years dealing with my child’s addiction! First, clean then relapsing. All of this has torn me apart! Who am I anymore? So sad! So depressed! I feel guilty because I no longer have the faith I used to have that they will get clean and stay that way. I’m so so broken! I go to meetings! I pray! Why does it never stay better?!?!” ~ A mom dealing with addiction in her world

It is difficult to separate or detach from the chaos of our children’s choices. As parents we spend much of their early lives loving, teaching, advising, encouraging, protecting, and fixing our children. As they get older parents worry about the choices they are making and the older they get the bigger, riskier, and more terrifying the stakes become. Add the dynamic of a child battling an addiction and everything increases exponentially.

There comes a time when we, as parents, need to detach from our children. Their choices, actions, behaviors, outcomes, and consequences need to be theirs to choose, live, and experience. It is not healthy or productive to be that connected to their lives. They have their life and we have our own lives to live.

I know how this mom feels. I once was lost trying to save, cure, fix, guide, direct and control my son’s choices and outcomes. It got to the point where every single action in his addiction driven life influenced and defined the next step or action in mine. I was officially out of control, co-dependent, and addicted to his addiction.

Last week, Cathy Taughinbaugh shared a wonderful blog on the very subject of codependency - “Are you ready to Let Go…and Take Care of Yourself?” In this blog, Cathy reminds us of the adverse power of codependency and the superior power of finding “serenity, [and] a deep sense of peace, and learn to give and receive love in new ways. We will have the freedom to live our own lives without guilt and responsibility to others and find real solutions.”

This is wonderful advise. Included in her blog was a powerful definition of codependency by Melody Beattie…

“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

I discovered on my 100Pedals journey that peace, joy, happiness, and opportunity began to exist and help transform my life the minute I let go, empowered my son to discover his own path to recovery, and began engaging in positive, productive, and personal improvement projects for myself. As soon as I made the conscious choice to start living my life, independent from my son’s addictive driven choices, I discovered a different way to love him and encourage him while celebrating and enjoying the life I have despite the chaos his addiction around me.

May you find peace on your journey, the courage to let go, and the joy that comes from the release!

Starting Tuesday, September 2, 100Pedals will be hosting a weekly chat room support resource for parents looking for advice, support, love and encouragement. This Parents’ Support Network (PSN) is a free resource for parents who struggle with the daily battle of addiction in their families. We are providing a safe, secure, and convenient forum for parents to share, learn, and listen. If you would like more information, please click on this link - Parents’ Support Network.

Filed Under: Addiction, Lessons In Addiction, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Thoughts and perspectives on “The Joey Song”

August 18, 2025 by Leave a Comment

“Once upon a time I was just a regular mom, stumbling through parenthood like everyone else—and then I had to figure out how to be the mom of an addict. I had to figure out how to love my child without helping to hurt him, how to grieve the loss of my child who’s still alive without dying, and how to trade shame and blame for strength.

To be the mom of an addict is to be an ambassador of truth and understanding.
No more shame. No more silence.” ~ Sandy Swenson

I spent this past weekend reading a preview copy of Sandy Swenson’s soon to be released book, “The Joey Song – A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction.” This book is Sandy’s powerful, honest, and very authentic story of her journey with her oldest son’s addiction.

I connected with Sandy through her blogs late 2013. I was attracted to Sandy’s wonderful ability to write in honest, raw, authentically emotional tones about her life as a Mom of an adult child battling an addiction. Everything Sandy writes moves me, touches me, and draws me into her emotional state. I have come to feel and appreciate a common bond of our similar stories, experiences, and perspectives.

Every parent dealing with addiction in their world has a story. It is often too painful, disturbing, heartbreaking or difficult to share. While each story is unique to us, there are many common or similar threads in every story to that of other parents dealing with addiction.

Not every parent is willing to or are capable of being open about their issues, challenges and experiences with addiction. It’s not easy. While our stories are real, painful, and troubling, it can be difficult to find the courage, the safe haven, or the comfort to share them. Like Sandy, I have found a sort of cathartic release in capturing my thoughts, feelings, ideas, and emotions in writing. There is a healing effect that comes with expressing what is churning inside.

I applaud and appreciate Sandy for being so open, so honest, so vulnerable, and so insightful about her journey with her son. She holds nothing back in The Joey Song. She shares everything and hides nothing. Most importantly, there are wonderful insights and perspectives in her journey that we can all learn from and find inspiration in.

Thank you, Sandy for sharing “The Joey Song“ with us.

“The Joey Song“ is available now for pre-order at Amazon. This is a must read for any parent or any loved one who needs a little love, guidance, insight, and perspective on their journey with addiction. I am grateful for my sneak peek I am even more grateful for the heartfelt words of a friend, a mom, and an inspiring, courageous soul.

Filed Under: Addiction, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

There is Power in Our Struggle

August 11, 2025 by 2 Comments

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

There have been many times where I have said to myself, “I cannot take this anymore.” The deception, the pain, the frustration, and the struggle had taken their toll on me. One day I realized I was fighting a battle, not with my son, but with myself and society.

I was determined that, as his father, I should be able to save, inspire, rescue, cure, and fix my son. Every failure, every setback, every relapse, every deception seemed like failure. I was failing as a parent. I was failing as a father. The fact that my son was struggling with drugs in the first place was a reflection on me as a parent. I must have failed somewhere along the line. Now, it was up to me to right the ship, undo the mistakes, and fix the problem. Except I can’t. I must be failing.

When I read this verse, I look at the word “weakness” not as a personal failing or flaw, but something that exists in my life that makes me human. We all have strengths - those aspects in our personality or DNA that are unique, special, and powerful to us. We also have weaknesses - areas where we are not as strong which require we focus on improving on, developing, our rely on others with those strengths to guide and support us. No one is perfectly gifted in every aspect life. Everyone has their strengths and their weaknesses. Many people go to great lengths to hide their weaknesses for fear of what others might think if anyone ever knew what those weaknesses were.

A weakness is not a failing. It is simply not our strength. It is not how we desire people to discover who we are. We want everyone to see our gifts and hide our shortcomings. But a weakness can be a gift. Once we recognize where we could be stronger, better, or more developed it creates the potential to improve on it. Rather than hide our weakness, we bring it into the open in all authenticity and humility so we can begin to work-on, improve, or minimize that weakness within us.

I look at addiction, or being the parent dealing with addiction in the family as a weakness. It is something that we have in our lives that isn’t the most exciting, wonderful, or joyous component of our world. It does not make us screwed up, a failure, socially unacceptable, or an outcast. Only we can do this to ourselves. If we let others label our weakness with their judgment, we are surrendering the potential power in our weaknesses to their scrutiny.

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has a weakness. The weaknesses in each of us is what enables and challenges us to learn, grow, develop, change, inspire, and honor. It is the brave, courageous, and powerful person that brings their weaknesses into view so they can change, improve, or alter it.

If your child is dealing with an addiction, recognize it is a weakness to deal with. It is not a failing or a flow. It is your struggle. It is an opportunity to powerfully use that weakness to educate and teach, to overcome ignorance and fear, and to inspire, guide and love others dealing with the same weakness.

The weakness of my son’s addiction is not a failing, it is a gift. As I learn, grow, and challenge myself to manage this weakness in my family everything I learn represents an opportunity to help others while educating those who don’t understand or are terrified of the word “addiction.”

Get your complimentary audio of my program “Three Ways to Rise Above the Addiction Drama.” Taken from the lessons of my experiences with my youngest son’s heroin addiction, I provide three behavioral tips for parents that will help them find more peace and clarity in dealing with the chaotic and destructive actions of a child dealing with addiction. To get your complimentary copy click here.

Filed Under: Lessons In Addiction, Parenting, Parenting & Addiction Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Tough Love Challenge

August 4, 2025 by Leave a Comment

“I can’t do it. I want to, I need to. But I can’t do it. I want them out of my house, I want the drama gone from my life. I’m tired of arguing with my husband about them. I’m tired of my belongings ending up in the pawn shop. I’m tired of wondering if today is the day I’ll find one of them dead. I’m tired of not having the life I want at 48 years old. I’m tired of my 16 year old daughter living in a home where her two brothers shoot up heroin in the basement. But I can’t do it. I can’t stand at the door and watch them walk away knowing that they have no place to go and no one else to love them.” ~ A mom in response to a previous blog post

What a terrible place for any parent to find themselves in. Any parent with a child battling an addiction demon has had those moments of exasperation and despair to the point where it seemed like few alternatives were left.

How do we know when enough is enough? How can we turn our child away and send them to the streets? How can we possibly live with the potential outcomes of these choices?

There are no easy, simple, clear answers to these questions. It is very difficult to come to terms with the reality that everything else isn’t working and the options are shrinking. Every parent has been wired to protect, coach, love, encourage, and support their child. Getting to the point where a parent’s last resort, for the safety and security of self and the rest of the family, to tell their child they are no longer welcome in their home is so sad, painful and contrary to all we know.

While tough love may be the ultimate outcome, there are no shortcuts or quick paths to this decision. Getting to this point is a process. It is the individual, respective, and personal process that every parent must go through on their own terms, in their own way, and in their own manner.

The mom in this quote is feeling the pressure to do something that intuitively she knows she may need to do. Encouraging her to take this action is not the answer. It is trying to force her to do something she is not yet ready to do. The best course of action for other parents is to coach, encourage, love, and support her as she goes through her painful learning and decision making process. Every parent who has had to come to terms with this outcome has gone through their process. After the fact, they may have realized it was a good decision and could have been made earlier. It doesn’t alter the importance of the process - the decision was made when the parents were prepared to make that decision.

My message to this mom, you are in very difficult, painful place. You are becoming more and more aware of the impact of your sons’ choices in your home. I would encourage you to step back from the emotional aspect of sending them out the door and look at the bigger picture - who are you hurting by letting them stay? They are making conscious choices to hurt themselves and others without regard to the impact. At some point, you have to protect those that need your love and protection most. And, you may need to make a difficult, painful decision.

Here is my process for setting the table for a future, potential tough love conversation:

  1. Define the boundaries: Clearly define and articulate the agreements, norms, and requirements for living in the house.
  2. Explain the consequences: Clearly explain the outcomes and consequences for breaking the contract.
  3. Follow through: Be prepared and committed to taking action and following through on the consequences.
  4. Let them decide: Let their actions, behaviors, and decisions define the outcome.
  5. Accept their choices: If it doesn’t work out it is a choice they made not a choice you made.

Get your complimentary audio of my program “Three Ways to Rise Above the Addiction Drama.” Taken from the lessons of my experiences with my youngest son’s heroin addiction, I provide three behavioral tips for parents that will help them find more peace and clarity in dealing with the chaotic and destructive actions of a child dealing with addiction. To get your complimentary copy click here.

 

 

Filed Under: Parenting, Parenting & Addiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,