I was fortunate to have author and mom, Sandy Swenson, make time to join me on the podcast The Addiction Conversation. Sandy has recently released her book, “The Joey Song” which chronicles her story of her experiences with her oldest son Joey and his addiction driven life. Here are a few excerpts from this podcast.
Where do you find the courage to step up and share your story?
“Once I realized that my son had a disease then I could let go of the feeling of shame and blame. I could realize how lonely and scarred I was. I was really just defeated and crushed. It’s just horrible to be suffering all this with my son and not be able to tell anybody about it. And I believe very strongly that no parent should have to go through suffering along a child’s potentially fatal disease all alone. No parent should have to feel ashamed that their child has this disease and it’s time for us to start talking about this and shinning a light on it and treating it as a disease.”
Talk a little bit a about being the mom of this little innocent miracle and this transition as you define it…to a manipulative monster
“It takes a long time for a parent to think, to come to believe that their child is turning into a monster and or just even understanding what addiction is. We were just trying to figure out how to be parents. This is trying to figure out something that not even the professionals understand. We mess up a lot. It’s devastating to see the loss of a child and the addict starting to wear your child’s face - devastating.”
How do you sustain yourself and celebrate your life going forward?
“Joey was the one consuming the drugs but his addiction was consuming me. I had to make the choice that the disease wasn’t going to bring any more harm to any more people. I could not stop what was happening with Joey but I could stop the damned disease from hurting the rest of the family and having it going on and on and destroying more people. And I wanted to honor this wonderful boy that I held in my arms 27 years ago, not the addict who had taken his place.
So I’ve been trying to fill the space where my son belongs with goodness, not badness; with saneness, not madness; and, with the hopes that when he does come back, when he does find recovery, he comes back to a place where a family is healthy and we have goodness.”
You have a purpose to your behaviors with regard to your son.
“I do. Back when I was writing the book, I started to clarify these thoughts. I never thought things through as clearly, I surfaced-thought them. I thought deep and hard when I was writing the book and I was really able to come to a real clear understanding in my head of what I believed and how I was going to proceed. I will do what I can for my son which is not much. I can just tell him that I love him and take him to lunch and tell him I have his place warm for him and that’s about it. But I am not going to help the addict to kill my son.”
Download and listen to the entire podcast here on The Addiction Conversation.
Do you still talk to Joey at all? Or did letting go mean completely exiling him all together? But if he was to find recovery you would let him back onto your life?
I only ask to get another perspective. See I’m like Joey. I was lost for many years. Too many. I lost everything that meant anything to me and primarily due to the way my mother handled our situation. That’s neither here nor there. But off and on for years I fought in recovery. I’d take the pledge to get sober. Then something would happen and I wouldn’t know how to handle it and fell right back into old traps. My mom hung in there for awhile but then after hearing the same thing for so long I guess she got tired of it all together. Ridding addiction from your life is one of the hardest things anyone will ever face as far as I’m concerned no one gets it right the first few times around. You really have learn trial by error with it for me at least. Too this day my mother and I still do not talk. I started drugs around 11 yrs old and it wasn’t long after that she decided it was time for her to let go.i couldn’t have been older than 13. Now I’ve been clean for a while now and I did attempt to get a relationship back with her many times over the years. We’ve never made it. She completely abandoned me for majority of my life and can’t even look me in the eyes. We live almost 2k miles away from each other. We hold so much resentment towards each other (and she will say she doesn’t but she does) that we can’t even be around each other for a day. Say Joey gets clean and does try to make amends. What are you going to do to try to look past the hurt that’s built up over the years and let him back into your lives? Have you thought about how you’re going to handle that when the time comes? What about if he relapses? When you’re an addict your mistakes seem to be bigger than anyone else’s and commonly involve “falling off the wagon.” Do you have a game plan to protect you and Joey from the resentment and disgust that comes with those mistakes? Mrs. Swenson please don’t take this comment wrong. I only hope you do have some type of plan to prepare yourself if your son does get clean. We always go home when we do. The biggest mistakes you realize you made were hurting your family…and on the flip side of that. I know to a lot of people I know in recovery no one has hurt them quite like their family has either. What are you going to do to get over the resentment your family and your son are going to feel for each other. Trust me if he gets clean the resentment will be there and I pray that you and your family work through it and that your son does in fact come home. Let me assure you he misses it and being out there alone on the streets with a disease like that…..it’s a lonely place to be. We all go home to get or after we have gotten clean. I mean this all so with regards. Maybe it’ll help you prepare differently than so many other families I’ve seen go through it as well. God bless.
Hi Tamara,
Thanks so much for reaching out. First, what strength and courage you have shown in embracing your recovery. The people around you are so lucky. As for my relationship with my son, I have Let Go but I have not given up. I have decided that I will not help the addict to kill the son I am trying to save. I have let go of the things I have no control over, the things that aren’t mine to control. I have set my boundaries — have made them clear to my son -and I protect them. I have also made it clear to my son how much he is loved. He knows that I am keeping his place in my life warm and that I will be here with open arms whenever he is ready to embrace a recovery of his own. Thanks so much for your warmth and concern. With respect and admiration, Sandy
Thank you, Sandy. What a beautiful response.
You are very welcome!
Tamara,
Great question. I admire your courage and determination to stay on your recovery path. I pray that you and your mom reconnect. I know Sandy Swenson will happily open her arms and her world to her son if and when he embraces his recovery. Peace to you and your journey and thanks for the question.
Dave