With March Madness coming to an end later this week, I couldn’t resist putting a tournament like spin on this week’s blog. I am hoping you will forgive me for the sports analogy and for referring to the addiction journey as a “game.” In order for this article to work, I needed the flexibility to use words not normally found in the addiction/recovery lexicon.
Watching the basketball games this week, I noted an interesting pattern in the way the games were coached and officiated. The behaviors in both these roles defined how the game was played, how it flowed, and the impact they had on the players themselves.
As I reflected on this more closely, I started to think about parental behaviors with their children and how similar behaviors impacted how our children respond to similar tendencies represented in the coaches and officials.
- Control: Some coaches and officials went to great lengths to control the game. When the coaches did it, they managed every play, critiqued every decision, and pointed out every mistake. They were constantly calling time outs, interrupting the natural flow of the game, and were a distraction to their players. When the Officials controlled the game, calling every little foul, every call was challenged, the players became confused and frustrated, and the officials interrupted the natural flow of the game. No matter where it occurred on the court, controlling behaviors just weren’t working for the players who are trying to play the game.
- Trust: There were a few coaches who demonstrated their teaching skills as a coach. The coaches who stood out were those who let the players play their game. These coaches still provided guidance and instruction from the sideline, but they did not inject themselves into the game in the way controlling coaches did. As a result, the game flowed, the players trusted themselves and the team worked together extremely well. The other key result is these teams usually made great adjustments to adversity and mistakes during the natural flow of the game.
- Emotion: The final observation from these games in observing coaches and officials was the way they engaged the game. The controllers, coach or official, reacted to everything by assuming more control. The more they reacted, the less fluid the game, the higher the emotional energy, and the more reactive everyone became. Once they obsessed about results and control, they seized control and struggled to relinquish it. For the coaches and officials more into letting the game play out, they better responded to issues during the game. They never tried to take over, they simply revisited the defined boundaries of the game and allowed the game to move forward. As a result, the players rarely had big issues with the coaching or the officiating because they became comfortable in the natural flow of the game. And, the game itself was much more enjoyable to watch as the players engage in defining the outcome.
Addiction Madness and Parenting: When it comes to parenting and Addiction Madness, control is not really a productive parenting behavior. For the same reasons highlighted above, attempting to be control the game, injecting yourself into the flow, into every play, into every mistake, only serves to interrupt, while frustrating and confusing your child.
As coaches, fans, and officials need to trust these basketball players know the rules of the game and know how to play it, we need to trust our children know what is expected of them, what they need to, and what happens if they don’t do it. Controlling is counterproductive to the process, while trusting they know what they need to do is – even if they aren’t demonstrating they get it. Conversations with people in addiction consistently reveal they know what they need to do, they struggle with the desire to do it; something no parent or coach can do anything about.
When we trust our children, we give them the space to make decisions, while allowing them room to adjust, learn, and grow in the process. When we don’t trust them, attempt to manage and interrupt the process, we are not helping them. We are often hurting and frustrating them.
I am not minimizing anything about Addiction Madness. It is not anything like March Madness. Addiction Madness is life and death. It is serious stuff. I get that. However, the behaviors I outline for productive coaching and officiating in the game of basketball, are incredibly similar to many of the same general behaviors I would define as guidelines for effective parenting in the lives of our children.
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