One of my biggest struggles in sharing the story of my journey is allowing others to experience those authentic moments when I feel the pain of a derailed life. It is difficult to share those moments because I don’t spend a lot of time there and I don’t like being there. Admitting to you there are times where I just ache for an opportunity to have the story of addiction in my family completely non-existent or all cleared up, is virtually impossible. When I am in one of those moments, I feel as though I am going backward and I don’t want anyone to know.
I have worked so hard to get to a different point in my life, I don’t like going backward. I don’t want to spend a lot of time in that space, much less talk about it. A lot of times, rather than share where I am, I talk about where I am going to be and leave out the part of my journey that says, “today stinks and I am feeling like crap.”
This is not authentic, honest, or fair to you. You deserve and need to know my entire story. While I know what it takes to manage the chaos of life’s experiences, it doesn’t mean I always have it figured out. I am not always perfect at staying in this emotionally healthy space. I have issues I deal with every single day and some of them have nothing to do with addiction; but, they may have a lot to do with my experiences associated with addiction. Life throws us emotional curves. Where we are when one is thrown at us, defines how readily we maneuver through them. Some days, the emotional curve ball almost knocks me over.
I get depressed about my life. I have days where getting on my bike just doesn’t happen. There are no good reasons for it other than I just don’t feel like it. There are periods in my life where I am disappointed with where I am, who I am, and where my life is headed. There are stretches where I feel like a failure, as a professional, a dad, a husband. Participating thoughts are usually stuff like, I could have done so much more with my life – past or present. I have cycles, some of them extended ones, where I train poorly, eat badly, speak harshly, and live grumpy. I can feel lost, frustrated, and angry. It happens. It happens more than you know and more than I would like to admit.
Sometimes I see a person on the street who reminds me of my son. It breaks my heart to know they’re hurting and their parents and family are hurting, as well. It completely wrecks my mood, my day, and steals my joy. I hate acknowledging that pain. I hate having that pain.
When I find myself in those moments, I am grateful my experiences have taught me what it takes to move out of that space. Sometimes the shift to the cure isn’t easy; but, I am conscious to the keys to getting out of my adverse little funks, for the most part. And, I get to work at moving forward from the dark side.
It is the good news of shifting out of the funk which I love sharing with you most. Because I know how painful and difficult a parents’ journey can be, I am passionate about inspiring and encouraging you to discover and embrace the joy on the other side of the struggle. It is a place where you are able to operate in a place of peace, clarity, and hope for your life. I love living in that space. I relish it and work hard on returning when I slip out of it.
I am committed you can discover it, if you allow yourself to believe you can. I apologize for not always being authentic about the struggle as much as I have been open about my transformational celebrations. Here’s hoping we can start walking this out together a little better and you will be willing to trust me more with your journey. There is a life to be celebrated beyond the chaos of addiction. I know, I have been on both sides quite often and I love the upside when I embrace it.
How can I support you on your journey?
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Want more insights from this blog? Join me on the podcast “100Pedals Talk: Inside the Blog” as I delve deeper into this post and share personal stories or reflections behind the article. (Note: The podcast relating to any particular blog is released on Thursday of the same week this blog is posted.)
I would love to hear from you. What issues are confronting you today? Where are you currently experiencing fear and shame relating to the struggles in your life? I have some pretty cool tools to guide you and would love to help. Please let me know: dave@100Pedals.com.
Dave Cooke is going on the Road! Learn more about this year’s cross county cycling trip, Cycling for Recovery 2017.
