Parenting behaviors take many forms, especially in difficult and challenging times. In chaotic times, I have discovered many of our decisions and behaviors are heavily influenced by fear. Last week’s blog focused on fear and how it defines our actions. The following quote effectively summarizes this point:
Decisions made from a place of fear are often emotional reactions to complicated situations which rarely lead to the outcomes we desire as logic and reason have been minimized by the fear’s intense presence.
The other byproduct of our fears is how we approach the situation, often getting caught up in our own emotional struggles while losing perspective as to who’s issue we are dealing with. To that end, last week’s blog also focused on these three critical focal points:
- Be the parent our children need us to be, not the parent we think we need to be.
- This is about them and their struggle, not about us and our issues.
- Break theses habits by engaging in one simple activity – LISTEN.
(If you didn’t read last week’s blog, I would encourage you to read it first before proceeding.)
Selfless listening is a challenge. It requires us to be committed to listening to the person sharing, without an agenda, without fear, without interruption or opinions, without minimizing or dismissing the struggle, and without any judgement, criticism, or condemnation.
It is almost impossible for a parent desperate for their child to interrupt the habit of their destructive behaviors, to sit back and listen while repressing he desire to add their version of truth and reality to the dialogue. As difficult as it is, this exercise provides valuable, necessary perspective for the parent.
Enlightening perspective is the point of the active. Selfless listening is the act of engaging in a conversation where one must be willing and committed to encourage the other person to freely, openly and honestly share what their world looks like, from their perspective. Even if what is being shared makes no sense, it is the listener’s job to probe and inquire to the point where the other person feels heard, understood, and supported.
The advantages of selfless listening when interacting with a child in crisis are significant:
- To discover their world as they experience and see it:
- We only see what we know and understand, without their input we cannot see what they know and struggle to understand.
- Obtain a deeper sense of their issues and what gets in the way of what they are trying to accomplish:
- We have them on our agenda and our plan. How well do you understand what is on their agenda or their plan? What if it is not what you think?
- Create a path for them to eventually trust you with their deep truths instead of safe information, complete BS, or something in between:
- Instead of getting mad at them for lying to you or holding back critical information, you have an opportunity to create an environment where they can share real stuff without you flipping or freaking out.
- A process which models authentic communication from a place of love, trust, vulnerability and acceptance:
- Much of our own internal struggle is overcoming our own distrust of others to be authentic and engage in effective problem-solving interactions – selfless listening breaks the cycle.
We have a great opportunity to help our children navigate the things they are struggling with. These behaviors are not limited to a child with an addiction issue, it is a powerful, resourceful behavior for any challenge a child is facing.
They don’t need us to tell them what we want them to do, to remind them they need to do it, to inject our agendas and expectations into their life. They need a parent who listens. One who can hear and understand what they are going through and struggling with. One who is willing to invest the time to selflessly listen and keep judgement, criticism, and condemnation out of the conversational process.
When you know where they are in their struggle, you will know what they need from you. When they ask you for it, if they do, you will be better equipped to respond from a place of wisdom with love. I encourage you to try it.
In this week’s podcast, I will be sharing a few of my direct personal experiences resulting from my shifts to selfless listening. You won’t want to miss it.
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Join me on the podcast “100Pedals Talk: Inside the Blog” as I delve deeper into this post and share personal stories or reflections behind the article. (Note: The podcast relating to any particular blog is released on Thursday of the same week this blog is posted.)
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“Inside the Blog” podcast current episode: http://theaddictionconversation.libsyn.com/being-heard-and-understood-the-greatest-gift-of-all
I would love to hear from you.
What issues are confronting you today? Where are you currently experiencing fear and shame relating to the struggles in your life? I have some pretty cool tools to guide you and would love to help. Please let me know if you need more: dave@100Pedals.com.
