“I didn’t decide to go to recovery when I lost my job, lost my home, lost my kids, or went to jail and lost my freedom. I made a decision to go to recovery when I was sitting on a hill and realized I needed to do this for me.”
The “bottom” so often referenced in parent conversations is more legend and myth than anything. For many, the “bottom” is some event which occurs in a person’s life, causing them to finally decide or realize they need to change their life. Operating with this loose, buzzword definition, parents continually analyze each monumental event in their child’s addiction filled life as potentially being the one which becomes their child’s “bottom.” Overdose, severe illness, jail, prison, loss of children, homelessness, rape, a severe beating all are likely “bottoms” for a reasonable person. Except we need to remember that “reasonable” or “normal” would be likely be the last words one would use to describe the behaviors or the mindset of a person in active substance abuse.
As parents, we experience wide ranging and bizarre behaviors or outcomes with our addicted children. We watch for this monumental moment, disastrous event which enables us to swoop in to convince our child they can’t get any lower, encouraging them to declare it their bottom, and push for recovery. This may have appeared to work for some, though this is rarely and really not how it usually works.
If it was only this simple and this obvious. No one can predict or anticipate what event or situation becomes their call to action, their impetus for change and their commitment to recovery. Every story is unique, and every motivational event is personal.
There is a common thread to most of these incredible recovery stories…
“I knew I needed to do something.”
I share this to remind parents about the entire recovery process — it is not your journey, your wishes, your decision, your timing, or your program. Quit hovering, admonishing, challenging, telling, pushing, or engaging in your child’s recovery. Choosing to detox and go to rehab is also part of the process; It is not your job to define their “bottom” or rescue them from it.
“I knew I needed to do this for me.”
We assign far too much responsibility for directing them into a recovery program, take way too much credit, and pin too much of our hopes on their outcomes when they finally decide to go. When it fails, as it sadly and often does, we are devastated because we had convinced ourselves they were ready. I know you were ready; but, how well did you really know if they were ready? Had they really experienced enough life in complete brokenness to follow through on their willingness to commit to embracing a new and different path? Or, did you show up and rescue them from the streets and their chaos in such a timely manner they were willing to give it a try?
Commitment is a powerful word. Simply going to treatment because it sounded like a good idea, because I think I am ready, demonstrates about as much commitment as someone tackling a New Year’s Resolution. I will give it a go as long as it isn’t too hard, I can go where I want, and participate the way I want.
Commitment to recovery is a very personal and pivotal decision. It is not made by committee or popular vote. It is least successful when done to please or satisfy someone else’s desires or pleadings. It works when the person who walks into that treatment facility declares, “I am not living like this anymore” and doesn’t negotiate about how or when or where. Their recovery begins “now” because they decided it had to.
If you are a parent or a loved one who is struggling to get someone to go to recovery, stop! Instead,
- Remind them how much you love them and trust your in your words as enough;
- Make a commitment to them, when they are ready to embrace a different path for their life, you will be there to support them (not help them) and walk with them (not for them) on this new path;
- Share all you know to be true about them, everything which make them a special gift to this world and you;
- Avoid sharing your ideas, answers and solutions to their “problems” and love them from a place of complete and perfect love (without fear, judgement, criticism, or condemnation)
- Listen to them, let them speak to you honestly and authentically about their journey and take the time to understand where they are, who they are and accept it as valid without attempting to change or redefine it for them.
At some point, they will examine the contrast in the life they love, the life they have lost and the life they are living. When they decide, if they decide, the life they are living is unacceptable to them, they will make the move toward recovery because it is what they want and are committed to.
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I would love to hear from you.
What issues are confronting you today? Where are you currently experiencing fear and shame relating to the struggles in your life? I have some pretty cool tools to guide you and would love to help. Please let me know if you need more: dave@100Pedals.com.
