Early in my journey as a parent dealing with my child’s addiction, I believed there was only one path, recovery. Unfortunately, this was partially correct. There is one path, but there are two trails on that path. The first trail, is recovery and treatment for the loved one. The other trail on this path is recovery activities for the parents.
As parents, we become obsessively focused on getting our child struggling with substance abuse issues into treatment and sustained recovery. It becomes our mission, our objective, our passion. As it did with me, it became an unhealthy obsession to the point it was toxic to my son, my family, my relationships and me.
It becomes so toxic because our obsession loses all perspective to all other aspects of life and living. Addiction, treatment and recovery are all that matter. Only until this is accomplished can everything else begin to migrate toward a place of normalcy and healing.
This is approach is incredibly misaligned with reality. It took me a long time to learn the hard lesson, I cannot will my child into recovery. Unfortunately, this learning opportunity presented itself multiple times before I finally understood this. Until I did, addiction driven behaviors continued to run headlong into my recovery obsessed mindset. Feelings were hurt, trust abused, hopes dashed, emotions erupted in anger, and relationships damaged, if not nearly destroyed.
This occurs because there becomes two addictions in the family: the child’s substance abuse issue and the parents’ obsession with it. Neither party wants to acknowledge they have an problem and each is battling with the other for the right to their addiction.
If Parents were to get on their recovery journey early and learn to navigate the issue of addiction in their family, life would be incredibly different. It does not mean their child will suddenly embrace their own recovery journey, it simply means that at least one party will not be dealing with a toxic addiction and be in a healthier place to navigate the chaos of the other’s addiction.
Most parents only begin a personal recovery path when all attempts to get their child into a recovery fails. It usually happens once all other efforts to get the other person to change have proved fruitless. For patents, their recovery becomes a last-ditch effort. Frankly, this is way too late in the game.
The minute parents discover their child is struggling with an addiction, the moment they begin to explore treatment options for their child, is when they need to be exploring their own treatment and recovery options, as well.
Critical components of an effective parent treatment program:
- Education on the issue of addiction, including:
- A course in addiction and links to childhood trauma
- A course in effective communication and listening
- Professional counseling or peer coaching services with someone well versed in addiction
- Participation in parent support group
I am amazed at how much effort goes into repeatedly forcing a child into recovery, how much work parents expect of their children relating to their treatment and recovery, and the criticism heaped on them if they are not successful. When, at the same time, parents are unwilling or unable to engage in their own recovery activities to help their child, themselves, or the rest of the family navigate the problem.
Parents, if your child is struggling, please remember there are two trails to the same path. Whether your child embraces their trail or not, is not nearly as critical as you getting on yours. You will be much better equipped to navigate the path once you have walked yours and know what you’re dealing with.
Trust me, this comes from personal experience and a great deal of reflection and introspection. (http://theaddictionconversation.libsyn.com/focusing-on-your-trail)
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